Just some things.

So, I’m a graduating high school student and I took some college entrance exams…

And I was one of the hopefuls for being a UST Student and my hopes were crushed right in the core… I did not qualify… I did not qualify…. I did not qualify, it keeps ringing in my head.. I failed the maths, the effing maths, the maths that I tried so hard on, all for nothing. *sigh*

But I guess I’ll just have to move on and accept it for what it is, I passed english, IQ, science.. so, all should be well, at least I know that I have to improve my math skills… and I’m taking up engineering, so yeah… I’ll be stuck with math, damned little devil.

I’m devastated at the moment, and I’m all over the place, I’m a complete mess.. emotion-wise and I don’t know, I want to cry, but I can’t. It’s like something’s blocking my tears.

And now, I’m also having second thoughts with my college program, I want to take up the arts, but I also want to get money (like everyone) and I’m just, I can’t, I don’t know….

I’m unsure and lost and disgruntled and scared. I just don’t know what to feel at the moment. Emotions banging all over my heart and head. But, there’s always hope they say… and I saw this cute slogan on the internet right after seeing the result of my exam it went “Don’t worry, I can handle this.-God” it wasn’t exactly like that, but it’s somewhere around it. And I must say, I guess, there’s God who will be making the way for me, now I just have to do my best…. but my best apparently wasn’t good enough for that exam *weep**weep*

*DEEP SIGH*

I’m lost. But all will be well, one way or another…. I hope by the time I wake up, things will be better, and I’ll look back at this and be thankful that I was able to feel the emotions that I had.

Faded memories and torn tracks
From where do we get back here?
I don’t know where to go now
Should I just sit still?

That came outta nowhere. XDD
But you know, with all the things we go through there’s still a lot of things to be thankful for.
A LOT. So, I just have to keep moving on… we all have to. Change is the only thing constant in our lives, it will bring upon good and bad, but it’s what makes up life…..

I don’t know man, what was that all about?!

sigh, sigh, fly~~

Sorry.

What I’ve feared has happened; I wasn’t able to make entries for the 300+ day journal.

I feel bad and down about myself.

There was just so many things happening that I couldn’t keep up and before I knew it I started sleeping in.

*Deep sigh*

So, I’ll cancel that now, the 300+ day journal is now dead.

However, I’ll be updating you regularly, my friend.

I don’t want to feel obliged to make blog posts, so I’ll just upload whenever I want and can.

I’m really sorry, to you who’s reading this and to my past self, who expected to finish something. Oh well, all is well… it will be.

:)

Day #7 (Jan.19,2013)

A memorable day ’tis one!

So exams were finally done, and good Lord, my brain almost exploded because of the Economics exam. (Although it was easier than the monthly exams in terms of content, well, if you reviewed the lessons.) But alas, all suffering is done, I have earned my rest… well, for now.

Why is it a memorable day? you might ask.
I WATCHED LES MISERABLES IN THE CINEMA AND IT WAS SOOO GOOODDDDD!!!
I felt so lucky because I had a great seat, the screen fitted right into the frame of my glasses, so it was like I was watching it in real time… like I’m peeking from a window.
I was trying so hard to stop my urge from singing, because God knows what a disturbance I could have been, haha! Everything was great, the cast, the singing, the cinematography, EVERYTHING!! Two hours and two hundred pesos well spent. I feel so happy right now.
My favorite song used to be On my Own(well, in Les Mis), but now it’s One Day More…. I was singing it since I got home….. singing a chorus by one’s self. XDDD
If you’re a fan of the musical, you won’t be disappointed with the movie, it will give you feels and goosebumps. Fantine’s death maid my hair stand, Poor Gavroche and Eponine too…. I actually made my tears stay in the back of my eyes, that after the movie my eyes actually stung. The Thernadiers were also amusing, the way they portrayed them in the movie, they’re like extremely nimble with their tricks. Cossette and Valjean were also great… Amanda Seyfried’s voice is amazing, I swear, I heard angels singing. I didn’t knew Wolverine knew how to sing and extremely good was he.

I have never been happier.

(I’m sorry this post is late again, I’ve been sleeping in.)

That’s all for today, laters!

Day #5 (Jan.18,2013)

Hello!!

So, the day I’ve feared has come, it’s a day where I have completely no idea what to blog and my motivation is nowhere near enough to get myself to do come up with anything.

I just had my second day of exams today, it’s the easiest set; English, Physical Eduacation, and Values.

I stayed at school for 2 extra hours because we assembled 3 lanterns.

I have no realizations today, but I do have news. I’m working on a comic, It’s this story where people have powers and they’re called “peculiars” because they’re genes have been mutated/altered to obtain powers and stuff. It’s a bit of a rip-off of Heroes, but I’m only doing it for fun. I finished page one today, that’s how slow I am at doing some things… *sigh* I’m such a horrible human being.

I have this pet peeve: I FREAKING HATE PEOPLE WHO WALK SLOW IN SCHOOL HALLWAYS, especially if they are a group and they like line up horizontally, like, DUDES, you’re not in a park, you’re in an effing school… some people are trying to shimmy they’re way into their classroom because they could get late, and there goes this group of slow walking people being a big-assed barricade. When I say slow, it’s not because of a proper reason… no, they just walk there, slowly because they want to talk to each other. Talk about being effing selfish, I just can’t even. People like that make me get slightly possessed by murderous intent, I just want to strangle their necks… (well, that was a bit extreme.)

My cat scratched me while I was petting her today, I guess she’s punishing me for being distant, I haven’t attended to her since ever…. *sigh*

I feel really bad to say this is everything… but yeah, i have to go. I’m also sorry that it was 2 hours late…. I fell asleep, so I forgot to write it.

Blinded.

I was going through a dark alley, not a living soul besides me.
The dark sky blended with the alley, it’s like I’m in a bad nightmare.
I walk straight through clouds of black, my footsteps ring in my ear.
It just feels like I’m in a dark room with nothing but bare black, darkness engulfed everything.
I can only feel the cold of the darkness and I can only hear the silence.
I can feel myself, but I can’t see….
I see only black, a dark and painful sight.
I don’t know how long it has been because it feels like time doesn’t past in such a stale and still canvas.
The darkness called my life.
What is life in somebody else’s shoes?
What do shoes even look like?
I can feel them and smell them but I have not a clue what they look like.
What does the world even look like?
I can only feel, smell, taste and hear.
There have been sudden cracks that brought in light, but only momentarily.
I don’t know what to feel.
What does life even hold for me?
What does life outside this blank space even look like?
I usually hear people complain about things, maybe it’s not much different….
Perhaps I’m better off not seeing the truth.
I’m scared.
I feel alone.
I feel nothing but black.
I don’t know anything else but be curious and scared.
Perhaps if I jump into the light, hold onto a tangle and lock it in myself… people talk about this thing called suicide….. hanging one’s self in a rope… I don’t even know where my neck is, I’m quite pathetic, huh?! I don’t even have the right to take my life… I shouldn’t.
I guess I’ll just wait.
Perhaps someone will come along and bring me a light, even if it’s just momentary,a  short while, even a second…
I can feel warmth and cold… but what do the warmth and cold look like?
I can smell flowers and food, but what form do they take?
Stuck in this dark room for a day…. while everyone’s working their selves off, I don’t have the right to complain… I’m quite ungrateful, ain’t I?
Perhaps if I just sit still like I usually do, I wouldn’t be such trouble…
If I could just disappear then, maybe things would get better…. I’m so troublesome, I can’t even take care of myself.
Where do I stand from your perspective, I wonder. 
What do I look like? Am I beautiful or hideous? Maybe, I look monstrous… 
I want to cry… I wonder what tears look like.
I wonder what colors look like.
I wonder if clouds are as blue as they tell… I hope they are.
Is the sun really bright? I want to marvel at it…. but I’m stuck in this black canvas……
What is life outside this room? The sight of life is blocked off by a big wall, that’s my situation… 
Do people who can see life even appreciate it?
Or maybe nothing’s left to appreciate, life has  been a long lasting tale… has it gone corrupted?
I’m scared that by the time I see it it’s dead and gone, black and stale, just like this room….
What if I’m already seeing life itself? It would be quite sad if this was what life looks like.
For now I’ll just wait… but when will I take action? I don’t know.

Day #4 (Jan.17,2013)

Hello!

So, I just finished our lanterns, all that’s left to do is the design and to assemble it in school tomorrow, major achievement!

Tomorrow is also the second day of our periodical exams, today’s set was remotely hard, mostly because of Math and its Trigonometric Identities… I was basically just cancelling out things without the proper knowledge of what to actually do with the functions (I wasn’t in Math class yesterday because I made our class yearbook divider) but all went well, I did my best and whatever the results maybe.. I’ll just have to accept it and try even harder next time.

And for today’s realization: I’ve discovered something about me, my shyness always gets the best of me. I do this thing where I just have the extreme urge to want to talk to someone because they qualify as interesting in my perspective and then my lack of social skills just stands as a big-assed wall between me and getting to socialize with someone new. It’s not that I can’t talk, I just can’t even start anything… I’m always the one being come unto, I wait for the initiative, and I’m usually not the one who executes the initiative. It’s like if you’re interested, I’m always open… but when I’m the one who’s interested, I just can’t get myself to even say a simple “Hello!” I’m a pathetic excuse for a human being… *sigh* But here’s the thing, I’m extremely talkative in cyberspace, It’s like I take on a different me. It may or may not be because of insecurities or whatnot.

*My train of thought just got derailed*

I remember there was a time when I said, “I try to be the best version of myself everyday and I never fail… to disappoint myself” XDDDD; just a random thought.

I’m getting really sleepy and my brain’s getting a lot sloppy… so, I’ll leave it to this for now, I’m really sorry…. I still need to do some things.

Till tomorrow!!

Day #3 (Jan.16,2012)

HELLO!

My day consisted of Photoshop, Microsoft Word, a data virus and attrib commands.
We worked on our yearbook today, well for the most part of the allotted time for school. I was tasked to do our Class divider. It was fun.

Speaking of things that I work on, I do this thing where my mind gravitates toward the thought that all the things I do are bad representations of my skills instead of the though that I actually worked hard on something and finished it… this mind, I swear it puts the low in the self-esteem…. to be fair though, I really do think that most of the work I’ve done are bad representations of my skills, it’s like I didn’t put enough creamer in the instant coffee and it turned out to be too bitter or something whenever I look at my work. But, I guess it only means that I can accept the criticism I could get for it, constructive or not… although I’ll probably out-criticize the criticism of others with that of my own.

Oh and I also realized that I work best under pressure, my adrenaline makes me like superman or something… pressure is like my energy drink or something, haha!

Oh, exams tomorrow… I haven’t reviewed…. I have to make lanterns… and review…… I have been constantly busy since December, life’s such a jerk, it’s like it conspires to make me rattle all over the place and keep on working on things. *sigh* And yet again through all the things we’ll do, we will all just die in the end. But of course one could counter by saying “It’s the things you do that makes life worth while.” And hey, sure, it’s being busy and stressing out about a lot of things that makes life real worth while… Life’s just a spiral of disoriented occasions that spirals to our goal called death… okay, a bit extreme. I’m kidding…
Morbid thoughts and depression? let’s toss that off because at the end of the day, all we want to do is have a good time, woooo-ooo-ooo-oooooo-ooo~ we don’t even have to try aljksdhfgak jhsdgfkajhgsdfjkhag skjdfhg
Just kidding( I need words with similar impacts, I’ve used this phrase a lot of time in this entry, sorry about that) keep track of things and never let the downsides of life get to your nerves, if you fall keep getting back up and never lose hope, failure is a part of life… and things will change before you know it, All is Well.

I don’t know what just happened with that last paragraph….

But, that’s everything for now, Adios!!